nevaehscent

The beauty of life.

2008-05-14T15:25:19Z

Woke up at 8:30am and headed out for a mile long run. Came back and relaxed from the humidity and cut up a few strawberries and half a banana. Took a vitamin and drank a protein/energy shake. I think it's all actually helping my chest cold go away, too. I've been taking Tylenol Cold as well, so maybe it's just the combo of everything period.

I'm really excited about our move that is coming up. I think we're really going to enjoy the city that we chose. Rent is completely reasonable, mucccch closer to work and although this city was chosen before I met Jonathan, it's much closer to his city as well. I see us staying there for good. It's super close to great colleges, so starting in the Spring can actually become a reality it seems. I'd love to start sooner, but everything is so hectic!

Jon goes on vacation next week as hes switching jobs, so next week will be spent getting to know one another better. As close as it seems we're getting now, next week will definitely tell us more about one another. Taking it slow is SUPER nice because it helps with decisions in the long run. He really appreciates the fact that I don't want anything physical until I really love a person and it was him who actually approached me with that concern. It feels really nice to have someone who feels the same way about that, for it's always been really important to me.

Just like myself, he know he has a calling. We've decided to figure that part out together. It feels good to not be alone feeling that way anymore.

I changed my schedule just last week so now I go in a little earlier. Time for a shower. More thoughts to come later :)

Closure.

2008-05-13T17:48:28Z

I'm sick and tired of people hearing one sided stories for the sole reason of me being private about most of my life. I understand friendship and how most people are loyal to one or another in the time they need someone the most, but not many people realize that there are two sides to every story. It's one thing to just not give a damn and stay loyal WITH knowing, but not knowing at all seems to give people the wrong opinion... and it always has. Never am I the first person to discuss just how screwed up things are, mainly because it's embarrassing... but I guess if one could blame it on the other because they (myself) refuse to speak of it, it's easier and less embarrassing for themselves!

I left April 19th (and yes it has been that long), for a few reasons. Mainly because Jason asked me to marry him again just a few weeks prior to this, on Valentines Day. We had some issues and he became obsessed with the idea of polyamory. He told me that the only way that we were going to be together is if he could go out with other females, including taking them to our mutual friends houses and having dates, caressing and kissing them. In the meantime, I was to sit at home all night by myself (or with another FEMALE) while he did whatever he wanted to do. I was to work ALL day long and come home to him leaving immediately or picking him up to give him the truck. He'd make up some lie about bringing dinner home (and I had to way to go get anything) and if he FELT like it, he'd be home at 2am each night. (Some of you may have noticed that pattern.) He designated me days which he always screwed up and left to see them on. It soon came down to me not being able to go see ANY of our friends because no one knew we were even still together. On Easter day, he bragged to everyone that we were over and left me alone by myself at his brothers. Later he did come get me, but it was so uncomfortable there with him and the girls that he dates (there were 3 of them there at the same time) that I came to my mothers house.

During the entire process, I was literally putting $20 a day in gas most of the time. He would run around seeing them and going places EVERY day and we'd be back on E whenever we'd be on our way home. Work was 7 miles away.

One night he left on my "designated day" and refused to come home at 2am like usual. I layed in bed all night just evaluating my life and how miserable I was just being there. He didn't want to get us out of there, he just wanted to be close to all of them since they lived close to where we were. Instead of spending his days looking for work, he was there all day while I worked. That night I decided that I had to do something.

As the weeks went on, I got my first paycheck. That week, I moved everything out of his fathers storage unit. Every time we would fight, he'd run down to the shed and threaten to burn it all down. I was able to use the truck for one load before he threw a fit. I brought it back the way he had given it to me, on E, and he threw me out. He literally threw me out for giving the truck back on the same amount of gas that he gave it to me on.

I left and went to my mothers that night. He wouldn't let me come home the next day. (and as dumb as I am, I was going to.) Come Monday, I'm having to call in. There's no way I'm going to travel that far for work. I still had hope that day. Then he had the nerve to tell me that III knew what to do to change so that he would let me come back. III was the one who needed to change! I quit that week but didn't let him know. He really blows up about certain things. I knew it was time to part our ways. I came by one night and we talked things over and he helped put my things in the car. We did it as civil as possible. I even bought him Taco Bell and left him with cash both that time and the last time I'd ever see him again.

There's been one case where I've left him first. Each and every time he complains that I've "never been there for him", he has left me or asked me to leave. I don't go against him when he asks me to leave either, for there are VERY little things that I own that haven't seen pavement.

I'm glad he realizes what he did, but he also needs to realize that it's far too late to ever turn anything around. I should have known from the beginning what my future would hold with him. Though he taught me a lot, I really hold him accountable for a lot of things. He can say that he's willing to change forever, but Jason did not change the least bit the entire time we were together... if anything, he got worse. If someone can deal with that, go ahead. I just cannot.

I am MUCH happier than I've EVER been with him, and I don't feel bad saying that now. You can only say so many things to someone and push them into so many damn corners before they just finally give up on you. I tried my hardest for 4 years of my life and all I can say about it is LESSON LEARNED.

I wish you the best of luck in everything you do, but I really would prefer no future contact with you and I definitely never, ever want to see you again. The first step of being a "different person" and "doing things right" for your current girlfriend is to realize that you and I are a closed chapter and to learn from it. I'm not Bridget and Amanda is not me, so don't screw up where you did with me in the beginning. This is how it all ends.

To everyone else, I've never had to lie or cover up anything to any of you. I am probably one of the most honest and real people that you'll ever meet. He always has a sugar coating and an excuse for everything that happens, and you only feel bad for him for so long. He's hurt and degrade me like I've never been before. If you're not one that prefers to not go either way, at least you've heard both versions.

I'm not saying that there's nothing that I could not have changed about myself, for there are tons of things. But lies and deceit just isn't my cup of tea.

Lastly, I just wanted to get it out in the open. I have no other words or desire to discuss this any further. What's in the past is in the past and you learn from it more than anything. If someone's not happy with the person they forced you to become, leave. You're only unhappy if you let yourself be. It's out in the open now and as far as I'm concerned, it's something I'll never have to deal with again.

P.S. - This is probably going to spawn a huge entry concerning my character... again, two sides to every story. For every action, there is a reaction. Who cares, I'm done.

Early Morning Hour!!

2008-05-13T10:35:33Z

So today is day two of the uber healthy plan. It was in the works for a long time, but the path to payday was a slow and painful one. Either way, it's here!

I wont lie when I tell you that I'm starving... all the time... while doing this. I'm just eating really great things that keep my metabolism high all day long and so until I'm used to that, the feeling is deathly. It's getting easier. I feel a lot better eating more natural things than all of the processed crap is out there. Mary is doing really spectacular at this too, probably better than I'm doing even.

I learned a lot about Jonathan today. I read through all of his old entries. I just got done reading them all, actually. I have a few things to ask him about as well. A few of them has me wondering.

I don't really know what to say or write about right now. I try and update this at least once a day. It's the alternative to my personal paper journal. Something that's meant to be passed down and left behind after I leave this world. Perhaps I'll get this printed out once a year like the service that comes on and partners with lj each Christmas.

Yeah, I like that idea.

nevaehscent @ 2008-05-12T17:34:00

2008-05-12T22:55:13Z

So I've done my fair share of relaxing in the past few days. A part of me thought that maybe it would just blow over and not last long, but I woke up this morning kicking myself in the ass. Since, I've taken some medicine and feel really good.

I finally got Sprint! I had been using VMobile until I could get Sprint because we experienced a few issues along the way. Suddenly the issues were resolved so I have Sprint again, deactivating VMobile and spent a good bit picking up an ATT phone so I could have the "Unlimited Jonathan Plan" since we both have M2M free on it. When things fall into order I feel better and better each day.

I spent last night at my mothers on the outside deck in a warm blanket talking to Jonathan. It was really relaxing to look up in the night sky and see all of the beautiful stars out there. It truly humbles you. Something as simple as hearing his voice or listening to his choice of words makes me realize just how great the world truly is sometimes. Throughout all of the negativity, there's so much good in this world. It's so hard to find and it takes a long time at some points, but once you find the good, you're able to compare it to all the other good things in your life and it's a great feeling.

On a side, yet important note: he's really active in his church, which is AMAZING. It's hard to find someone so active. It's inspiring at times. He's soo loyal and humble. He's just a good person, period.

The best part is that I can't even find the words to describe how he makes me feel He knows the exact words to say at the right time. To some, this may sound just like any new experience blossoming, but I've never - ever felt this way before. The way we relate hits just too close to home. Wow... just wow. That's all that I know what to say.

Buuuuh!

2008-05-11T13:34:33Z

Ok, I'm calling in. THANKS MOM.

P.S. - Eating breakfast with a burning chest hurttttttts.

Feeling awful.

2008-05-11T13:31:37Z

I can barely keep my head up, I feel so awful. Mom has been really sick all week, and I'm pretty sure she passed it off to me yesterday. It just started with my throat, but I woke up and my chest was on fire. Now I'm coughing horribly (with worse soreness to my throat) and it feels like I'm off balance... it's awful.

We spend the entire day together since I work today, going clothes/shoe shopping and different places. She had a wonderful day, smiling because she felt so beautiful in all of the clothes we picked out for her... it was a spectacular day.

She cried when she read her Mothers Day card, and I knew she would. I did when I read it too. It was two simple lines, one on the outside and one on the inside. It led to how I think all of the good characteristics of me are inherited from her, and how our views are so alike at times.

Mom saw her specialist this week and her platelets have went up from 82k to 94k. It's wonderful news. She's having bleeding underneath the skin of her feet which aren't too noticeable, but it's not a good thing. ALSO, based on some things going on with her, two of her specialists have been consulting and think she's been poisoned. Either direct poison (not to say someone poisoned her, just that she has somehow came into contact with it somehow) or being around certain metals for too long in the recent history. I can't help but to wonder if the Eupora house had anything to do with it. That's all I could imagine.

Secondly, Ranee had an abnormal pap test which sent her to a specialist. He made a dye and I BELIEVE it was vinegar mix and the results also came back abnormal concerning her cervix. She had to have a biopsy and it's believed that she has cervical cancer. My mother had it in her 30s and the doctors have done all necessary tests to ensure that it would in fact only be a hereditary gene causing this and not something else. My appointment wont be too far off, but if it was passed to Ranee, I think I should pretty much expect something.

I've decided to finally write a few things about what's going on in my life. I know he reads this, and up until now, I decided to just keep everything to myself... but what's the point. I'm extremely happy and am not afraid to tell the world. I don't feel bad for being happy either, he got what he wanted and throughout the unhappyness and unstableness of moving back here, and I finally got my happiness.

Since I've been home, I've talked to a few new people. Mainly a guy I dated in JR High, my first bf ever. He's done pretty well for himself, sporting a brand new Dodge Charger that he's paying absolutely way too much for and with an obsession that's just a little crazy. We went on two dates before I swore him off. No matter what you remember about some people and how decent the night goes, the creeps really kill it for you. I don't want to hear how you think you knocked up some girl who just turned 18 while currently paying support on your other child. Or just how childish she is but how you "screw with her head". (With supporting stories.) Telling me how much you loved her didn't help either... but that's okay! Just another one down.

Soon after that, I met someone named Jonathan. I ~~think~~ know he's pulled me out of the dating pool. I knew that when I saw him that he was going to be absolutely special (and he has been). He makes me feel alive. He definitely keeps me on my toes. Although we don't share the same views on every topic, he absolutely relates to me better than anyone has before. Certain things that I've always been unable to talk about with people are really easy to talk about with him. Things such as my purpose, callings and different interests. So now that the world has been introduced to him, here's a few videos of him. I couldn't decide which one I liked best, so you all get two of them. Enjoy!!

(Btw, black and red suit, bass player.)

Funerals and Awakenings.

2008-05-10T16:19:49Z

My uncle David passed away this week.

He was never really a great person in life, and I knew that from being around him growing up. Even immediately after Katrina, I came home to visit and he stole $100 from me. I never said anything to him. I figured he had an addiction that I would never know a thing about... and he has someone more to face about that than me.

I do still love him and remember all the good moments we shared while growing up. Today is the wake and I'll see family and people that I've not seen in years. All of them just related by marriage. Every last one except Grandma.

I'm going to get this stupid phone fixed today, it's really driving me crazy. I was going to stay with mom tonight, but I forgot that I have to be in at 10am tomorrow morning. 10am. Meaning I need to be back at home and ready by 9. IHATEUINSOMNIA.

He's still sleeping. He makes me crazyyyyy.

nevaehscent @ 2008-05-09T13:06:00

2008-05-09T18:50:08Z

He makes me feel electric.

The Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.

2008-05-08T07:55:09Z

It's been four weeks come Saturday. In this time, we've executed multiple plans. Firstly, the living and job situation, and secondly a schedule of goals that we're wanting to accomplish.

Absolutely everything is falling into place. It sucks that it doesn't fall into place just as you expect, but the point of it is that they do.

I'm finding myself and what truly makes me... my likes and dislikes and my dreams and desires. I don't eat Taco Bell every single night and consider it dinner, simply because I cant stand it. I sleep late if I damn well please. If I feel like hell, I'm going to relax until I feel better... not until you think I should be better! It's my own schedule!

Things aren't as lonely as I imagined they would be. I always have people around me. The only thing that puzzles me is that just a few weeks ago, I had this really high standard for mankind. I knew what I wanted and didn't want when it came to friends or potential dates, and pretty much swore off most. I've since learned to give them a chance... (unlike Mary) and as soon as I let my guard down, I was immediately surprised. :)

The silver lining is looking much brighter finally. I'm happy for that.

The plan...

2008-04-27T17:58:41Z

... is to update this thing more often. Until then, last nights posts (if anyone saw) were from the ex. I had livejournal set up on my phone for when pictures are taken, it asks if they want to be posted to livejournal... and he has the phone. And no, I don't "want to see Jess tonight", that was him too.

But that can't happen again, fixed it.

Anyway, let me take care of a few things, and a real update will ensue! =)
(I FINALLY HAVE TIME!!!)

I guess

2008-04-01T21:03:18Z

that I'm over it.

Yeah... definitely over it.

What makes a best friend.

2008-03-14T04:40:52Z

Mary, describing our friendship;

Mary: yah, it sounds really trite, but when i met her, it really was that feeling like my soul was split in half and she got the other one

Cool Christmas Shit!

2007-12-28T04:59:01Z

Wanna seeeee the goodies I got for Christmas?

My favorite gift. Each diamond has its own unique serial number, a lifetime warranty and free cleaning anytime I want to bring it in. Every kiss begins with Kay :D :D

My second favorite, only second because of how personal the first was! Sparkle pink and limited edition of only 25 ever made. Came with COA. Also got a guitar book/dvd and chord chart.

The highlights of the other gifts were:

Scene It for the Xbox 360
Beautiful Katamari
Weeds Season 1 and 2
King of the Hill 4th, 5th and 6th
Accepted
(2) 30 dollar gift cards to Bath and Body Works
Curious by Britney Spears
Provocative Woman (also a perfume)
Vibrating house shoes!!
A cutteee stuffed animal that hooks to my Ipod.
Other gifts that include jewelry, Christmas snacks, clothing, makeup, makeup bags etc.

Recently, Jason has also given me:

Ipod Touch, 4 GIG. Video and music, has wifi. Touch screen that can be viewed in landscape or portrait, depending on which way it's turned.

HTC Touch phone from Sprint. Also a touch screen device that runs Windows. You can write on the screen and it translates it to text. The girl liked Jason so much that he gets 15% off each months bill and sends us business, 2 customers now. We also get 30 extra minutes a month for verifying our info with a Sprint rep.

Sony Cybershot Camera/Case

4 gig thumb drive that allows me to use it as ram for my computer or to store info. So I can add up to 3.5 gigs of ram by plugging it in.

Nintendo DS with Lifesigns and Phoenix Wright 2

=)

2007-02-05T05:05:03Z

Get your own valentinr

Note to self;

2007-01-13T01:22:55Z

And I've been waiting for you
To capture my imagination
Cuz I've been fooled by the illusions in my head